Finding a church

So I found a church! I was sold when I found out they have a really unique, fun young adults ministry called "Spouse Hunt".

Just kidding, still looking for a church. While google-map searching my area for churches, I found out some interesting things about how I go about finding a church.

1. It's gotta have a cool name. "Countryside", "Touch of love", "St. Anne" are examples of phrases that ruled out any possibility of a visit.

2. Pictures of white people. If the website has a picture of a 15 year old girl with plain hair, overalls, a t-shirt with a large print picture of horses, flowers, or some combination of the two
on it, those white shoes you buy at Kmart, politely smiling while standing next to a stream, I'm not going to that church. Also, I'm looking for at least a few pictures of minorities on the website. Because if you go to a church where you are THE only minority, one of a few things can happen: People don't talk to you because you're a minority, people don't talk to you because they don't want to single you out since you are a minority, or people talk to you because
you're a minority and they want to make an extra effort to greet you. Maybe this is me, but let's face it. If I'm the only minority there, there's also a whole lot more minorites that don't go to the church. They're not there for a reason, am I right? 3 billion people avoiding this church can't be wrong.

3. Female teaching pastors. I'm yet to find one who teaches the bible, and doesn't overemphasize emotion, or use compelling stories she gets from watching Lifetime. Rob Bell may or may not fit in this category- except the female part, or course- yeah.

4. Churches with "Presbyterian", "Baptist", "Methodist", "Lutheran", "Scientology" in the name. I got enough enemies, if I find myself in the wrong theological hood, I might get jacked.

5. Webpages where there are statements made in all capital letters, with more than one exclamation point: "ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH JESUS!!!!!!" or "FOLLOW TOM CRUISE TO EMOTIONAL STABILITY!!!!". Yeeaeaahhhh... I'll pass.

6. If all this checks out I'll check the belief statement. Usually it's not too hard to find churches that get the major things right. Then I check the core values, to see what they're about.

7. I avoid Catholic churches. I like to party, and Catholics don't really like to party. Unless they're the Catholics that don't go to church, because those are the ones that party. So it's kind of a lost cause to try and go to Catholic mass, since I want to party. Kind of like how going to synagogue won't get me rich. JKJKJKJKJKJJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJKJK Just Kidding.

8. I need Jesus.