My dating life and what it has to do with grace

God saves people by grace, and he shows mankind that we are in need of grace.

And He's doing that for me, in... probably the biggest felt need in my life- which is the area of dating and relationships. It's just the area where I feel the strongest urges, desires... and it is the home of my greatest hopes as well as fears. I'd love to say my highest desire is for the gospel to reach the corners of the earth through the discipleship of God's people towards a heart for evangelism and further discipleship... but then I'd be lying. I like girls. So from square one, was my desire to wait on God in quietness and obedience? Nah... I was going to work, persevere, grow, learn, and figure out for myself how this all works.

I'm going to try and make a long story short here. I learned a lot about girls in high school. A little bit about how they tick... what makes them happy, what turns them off, etc. Well... I got my first real relationship, and it was actually with an awesome Christian girl. Well, I fostered in her a love for me above her love for God, and then I just shattered her heart. And at the time I didn't even know it. But once I got my act together, I looked back on that relationship, and a few others that followed, with disgust and shame. And I made up my mind that I'd learn, I'd grow, and I'd get it right.

So then there was another girl. At this point, I was convinced that I was the man. I'd make this work, due to all the new stuff I'd learned about biblical relationships and manhood. I eventually looked back at those mistakes, blunders, and the overall foolishness with disgust. Wow I was an idiot. I'm not messing up like that again.

Then there was another. Wow I blew that one. It took me over a year to realize the idiot I had been. Before that I was too busy talking about how weird and ridiculous she was when it was really me, being a spiritual preteen buttwipe.

Alright. No dating. Get my ducks in a row. OK. I'm in serious ministry now, and I've heard dozens of sermons, dozens of times, about relationships. I'm becoming a man of God. I'm humble, too... seriously. And wow this girl is awesome. We're dating. This is going well. She's growing, I'm growing... awesome. Then POW! It was like a boxing glove that read "YOU'RE AN IDIOT" knocked me out cold. Don't ask me how long it took to get up. And I learned from those mistakes, and holy crap there were a lot. And I'm still growing. And I've come so far, by the grace of God.

And here I go again. Feeling those same euphoric feelings. Looking in the eyes of a girl who loves the Lord, and knowing that she's looking back at a man who loves Him too. Finding myself thinking, "60 more years with her... I could handle that..." Yet there's this shadow from the past of all the pain that's followed after these thoughts and feelings... not to mention the awkwardness. And I see now something new. That I'm still trying to earn myself an amazing relationship. When all along God was trying to bless me with that. So I'm walking humbly... hoping for the best, preparing for the worst, and totally enjoying the ride. And I don't know what God has planned, but I walk in faith, trying to let my actions be actions that glorify God. But I'm realizing, in the realest way... that the sum of my works will amount to nothing... and that I am in need of grace. In the area of dating, in life, and in eternity.

And in this area of dating, I still have sin in my heart because I still want my will more than God's. Since high school I've been pulling strings with the best intentions... and ending up breaking hearts, confusing myself and others, and just getting offtrack in my walk with the Lord. And metaphorically I have to stop this crap with pulling strings and lift my hands to heaven and cry out, "HELP!" But I'm struggling to do that. I... we all... are in desperate need for the compassionate, unmerited, grace of God. And that is something the humble find... not those who try to earn blessings. And that's not to say that all my efforts were in vain... because God has taught me so much through all of that. But I'm seeing that it's God's grace that has led me here thus far, and it's grace that'll lead me home.

And lastly I'm just thankful for a totally sweet girl, who has her head on straight and loves the Lord, who doesn't mind spending time with a clown like me.